


You're Welcome

by LittleLittleLou



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Markiplier TV (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Almost Kiss, Amy Nelson is Suspecting Something, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Arguments, Bisexual Ethan Nestor, Bisexual Male Character, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Caught, Cheating, Complicated Relationships, Confrontations, Confronting, Cuddling, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Ethan Nestor Cheating, Ethan Nestor Cheats, Ethan Nestor and a Random Girl, Ethan Nestor's POV, Ethan is sorry, Exes, Falling In Love, Falling In Love Again, Feelings Realization, Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Forgiving, Friends who aren't Helping, Gay Male Character, Gay Mark Fischbach, Hugs, Idk how a tour works so, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Insane Amounts of Mark and Ethan Avoiding their Feelings for Eachother, Interrupted Fighting, Like 2018ish, Like Really Complicated, Lots of tags I know, M/M, Making Out, Mark Fischbach's POV, Mark is Mad at Himself, Mark is forgiving, Markiplier's You're Welcome Tour, Men Crying, Mentions of Body Hatred, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Unstable Relationships, No Smut, Originally Posted Elsewhere, Other Tour People, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Sleeping Together, Slow Burn, Social Media, They are confused at eachother, This Story is Very Long so Bare with me, This Whole Story is just Kinda Slow, Tour Bus, Yelling, confessing, curious friends, everybody is confused, good ending, having trouble sleeping, idk how to tag, live shows, lots of feelings, mature subjects, mature topics, original piece, past sex, pre-COVID, relationship, sleeping, sleeping issues, slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:13:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29931189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLittleLou/pseuds/LittleLittleLou
Summary: This isn't the first official chapter but I thought that I would cover and tell you some things about me and my short story!
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Pre Reading Notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the first official chapter but I thought that I would cover and tell you some things about me and my short story!

Hi!

Welcome to my very first short story! This is going to be four chapters, and pretty long, so bare with me! If you want to find more of my writing, you can check out my Crankiplier Oneshots book on Wattpad (@blueydewy), where there are other stories like this. Now here's a bit about me!

My name is Sid (they/them pronouns) and I am 15 years old. I have been writing for around a year now, and I mostly do fanfiction. I've never really wanted a career in writing or publishing, this is just something that I like to do in my free time!

I just want to clarify that I started this story when I actually shipped these two as a couple. Now, I can see how that was not very good or beneficial to me or these two. I realized that I shouldn't really be shipping two real life people who are in relationships, and are frankly just good friends. The only reason I decided to continue on with this story was because I find a lot of peace in writing, and it can be a coping mechanism for me at times. If you still do ship these two, I am completely fine with it as long as you aren't taking things too far. (Bullying their S/O's, trying to contact them for more information about it or just overall being an asshole about it). I would never purposefully do anything to harm them or their career, and if there is any problems with this story regarding that, I will be deleting it. I also ask that you do not try and get either of them to read this for a reaction out of it!

Please do not post this to other sights, or steal any of my work without credit! If you are just going to rewrite it in your own style, or change some details about it, that is totally fine as long as you give me full credit!

Thank You, and Happy Reading!  
-Sid <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this explains/covers some things!


	2. I

Mark's POV

The Your Welcome tour was going fabulously, I had gotten to see so many places, fans, and have so many more experiences than I thought I would. I was so glad I was able to see my friends grow, meet fans, and make so many people laugh. It was truly amazing.

We were only about 2 weeks into it, and although it was hours of work on end preparing and then actually doing the show, it was so much fun and we were all enjoying ourselves.

I was stood on the stage, looking out across the hundreds of empty seats. In about and hour and a half, they would all be full of cheering fans. I took a breath slowly in and then back out, almost relishing in the emptiness. I was going to turn around and go backstage to see if there was anything I could help with but I felt a sudden strong urge to stay. So instead of making myself useful, I plopped myself down at the edge of the stage, my legs dangling off. I took in the emptiness once more, and spotted someone in my field of vision. It wasn't uncommon to see people everywhere, in fact I was surprised I was the only one on stage right now. However, something drew me to look at this person.

I couldn't quite see who it was at first but then I saw.

Ethan.

The moment I saw him, my slight smile turned into a frown, and then a scowl. God I really didn't like him. But of course I didn't let that show, I couldn't let it show. It's not like he did anything wrong.

Well, thats a lie.

For backstory:

We were dating. Key word: were. We had been together for about 2 years, since around late 2016. I still remember the day I told him I had feelings for him, and he said he felt the same way. It was difficult at first, trying to find a way to be in a relationship without our friends and the fans noticing. It didn't take that long for our friends to catch on, so we told them about it, but the fans had never really noticed. They just thought that we were being affectionate. Of course, they didn't see us every day, the only time they saw us without any edits was on livestreams, which weren't super often anymore.

Anyways, here comes the part that really makes my blood boil. We broke up about a week before the tour started, which was bad timing. I contemplated cancelling the tour but knew that so many fans would be disappointed, and I didn't want to see that. So, I pushed through and we ended up doing the tour anyways, thankfully. The reason we ended our relationship might have had something to with Ethan. And a girl.

He cheated on me, he fucking cheated on me the little shit.

Was our relationship not good enough?? Was I not enough for him??? God, it always pisses me off when I think about it. We got into a big fight once I figured it out, but the worst part is he didn't even try to make it up, or apologize, or make things better.

I don't want to get into the details but there was lots of screaming and yelling, and anger. Thankfully nothing physical, but it was still awful.

I watched as he stood in a doorway, talking to someone. I couldn't hear what they were saying, as they were too far away, but I really didn't care. The other person walked away after they chatted for a minute, and Ethan started to walk down the side isle. His lanyard hung out of his back jean pocket, looking like it was going to fall out any moment now.

I watched him as he walked, glaring at him. I don't think he had noticed me yet. Good. I didn't want him to. Not after what he did to me. He broke my heart, and I still couldn't forgive him. 

I was really in love with him, but just that one little thing made me realize he doesn't care about me at all. Usually in a scenario like this, I would just be sad, but with him all I felt was anger. I bit the inside of my cheek, so hard that I tasted a little bit of blood. 

He disappeared behind the thick stage curtain and I heard the thumps of footsteps up the few steps leading up to the stage. I gazed back out across the empty seats, not wanting to make an awkward eye contact.

I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that he wasn't behind me, and had just left to go behind stage.

"Really is something, ay?" I heard his voice suddenly. I glanced back and he was closer than I thought, standing with a water bottle and his phone.

I wanted to make a sassy reply to hint I was still mad but couldn't think of anything.

"Uh- yeah" Was all I could think to say.

He stood there for a few more seconds, and I heard his footsteps walking closer.

'please dont sit next to me please dont sit next to me please dont sit next-'

He plopped down right next to me, and I internally cursed at him. He sighed softly, looking out just as I was.

"Mark?" he spoke up after a few moments of silence.

I bit the inside of my cheek again, really not wanting to talk to him. God, every time he talked I wanted to slap him in the face.

"what" I said in not a rude tone but not in a soft tone either.

"s-so I've been thinking and... about what happened with our br-"

I picked up my phone and slid off the stage in one quick motion, interrupting him mid sentence.

"I'm sorry Ethan but I cannot do this right now" I said with a bit of a snappy tone, talking with my arms as well to get the point across.

Before he could even say anything, I walked away, not even bothering to look back at him. This was not the time, nor was ever. I don't even know why I was still so fixated on this, it happened months ago. I guess I just thought we had something... But hey, you learn something new every day.

Well actually I know exactly why I was still thinking about this constantly. It's cause I still fucking have feelings for him, and I hate myself for it. I don't even know how, or why. He broke my heart, and I don't forgive him, but I still fucking love him. I'm in love with him and mad at him, and I wished we were still together, but then again I wish I never devoted myself to him and- god my feelings were mixed and I had no clue what the fuck I was feeling. And it was all his fault, but he doesn't realize that.

Tears started welling in my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away. This was not a good time to start crying. I didn't want Ethan thinking I was sad. Because I'm not. I'm furious with him, but he doesn't fucking realize that. 

He never does.

**

Ethan's POV

"Alright boys! On the stage in 5" Someone from around the corner called. I opened my camera from my phone and used it as a mirror to see if I looked presentable. Seeing that I looked good, I put my phone on silent a put it into my little backpack that I kept essentials in. I knew that nobody would really care what I looked like, but I didn't want to look like shit. I glanced around, making sure everyone was here. Tyler was chatting with the sound director while Bob and Wade were getting their mics put on.

I recited what we were going to do on stage in my head, making a mental checklist that I would probably forget anyways. I looked around again, now kinda just standing there awkwardly. I spotted Mark fixing his mic pack as well as fluffing up his hair a little bit. He pulled out his phone, looking at something. Just seeing him reminded me of the interaction we had earlier, which I still was confused about. I thought he had recovered from our breakup, but I guess not.

I went over to him, knowing exactly what I was going to say.

"h-hey Mark, do you think we can talk after the show?" I asked, feeling a little nervous about it.

He said nothing, not even bothering to look at me. He just kept on looking at his phone. I was about to ask again but before I could even start he started on something new, ignoring me again.

"Dan! Is the intro starting yet?" He called out to Dan, the music producer. He walked right past me, not even stopping for a second or shooting a single glance my way.

I stood there is a momentary shock. So now he was giving me the silent treatment?? Jesus christ, what I did wasn't even that bad! It was mostly her idea, I just went along so she would leave me the fuck alone! He never even let me explain myself when I tried to say something about it. I hated him but still loved him at the same time. God, my emotions were so mixed right now.

"On stage in 1! Be ready!" I heard another voice call.

I collected my thoughts and got ready to go out onto stage, peeking out to see a full audience of fans waiting for us. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. Whenever we did a performance, I always got nervous at first but then things got more smooth as we went along. Taking anxiety meds before a show also helped me a lot, which I had thankfully already done.

Someone popped their head backstage and told us it was time to get rolling. I took another deep breath and followed the other boys out onto stage.

**

(still Ethan's pov btw)

I huffed and plopped into a cushioned seat, my legs feeling tired. I could lie and say that the show was good, but it really was a disaster. Mark forgot the things we were gonna do, and his improv skills were just flat out bad. He tried to play it off as being sick, but I don't think anybody really bought it. Hopefully people just thought it was a joke for a bit or something. I chatted a little bit with Wade and Tyler about it, and they said they think he's just tired and a little overworked. I agreed, but knew the real reason. See, our friends just thought we lost feelings for eachother but didn't know what really happened.

Suddenly, the door opened and an exhausted looking Mark came in, not even bothering to close the door before crashing on the couch.

"You okay bud?" Tyler asked with a bit of a chuckle.

He didn't answer for a good 10 seconds.

"m'just.. tired" He muttered.

"Okay, get some rest when we have a break or something, we can't have you overworking yourself" Wade said, his tone more serious than Tyler's, "We're gonna go find Bob and Amy to get some lunch, you guys can join us or get some later."

I nodded, and they left the dressing room. Now it was just me and Mark.

I wanted to say something but of course just before I was going to say it, someone walked in. It was one of the head guys of the whole tour. I didn't remember his name, Kevin or something. It was a very basic name, but I couldn't be bothered to remember it. I hardly ever saw him anyways.

As soon as he entered the room, Mark sat up on the couch, adjusting his shirt a little bit so it looked less wrinkled.

"Mark, you do know why I'm here, right?" He asked.

"Yes, I do" He sighed.

"Your performance out there was disastrous! I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to step it up. We can't have you acting like this in every show, its just unacceptable." He said in a stern voice.

"Yes, I know sir" Mark said, his head hung in shame.

"If you need more rest, that is fine, we can spare you some more time for sleep. And if there's anything else we can get you to help, please notify us of that, but you need to get it together"

"Yes sir"

"Very good, now when you have a moment, I'll need you to come and help Dan with some sound issues"

"Okay, I'll be on that as soon as possible"

"good"

And just like that, he left the room.

Mark took a deep breath, muttering a few curses under his breath.

"Mark I-" I started.

"no, dont even start" He said, not even looking at me.

"god i need to get myself under control..." he muttered, probably not wanting me to hear but I did anyways. "i'm a fucking mess."

He took another breath before getting up and heading towards the door.

"wait mark" I said, standing up and taking a step forwards.

"Ethan I really don't have time for you-"

"Well make time! I just want to talk to you for once!" I shot back, taking a few more steps towards him.

I saw his grip loosen on the door handle but then tighten once more.

"What is there to talk about, huh?" He asked, his tone stinging into me.

I was taken aback by this question, not expecting it. I swallowed the lump in my throat and spoke up. I was not about to let this opportunity slip by.

"Well- I could start by clearing up what happened" I said simply.

He exhaled loudly, spinning around violently.

"Go Ahead! Clear it all up right here, right now! I don't need you to remind me that I somehow wasn't enough for you so you had to go and cheat with some girl and not even bother to apologize when I confronted you! Go ahead, remind me that I was hopelessly in love with you and of course you had to ruin that! Go ahead, remind me how angry I get whenever I fucking see your dumb face! Go right ahead, because I thought we really had something but APPARENTLY NOT! You know, fuck it! GO AHEAD!" He said, his voice raising until he was practically yelling at the end. Rage filled with his eyes, and if looks could kill I would be dead right then and there.

My face dropped and I was taken aback again, not ready for what he was saying. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out, and guilt fell over me. I looked down in shame, now starting to realize that it meant much more to him than it did to me. Suddenly, I felt a wave of my own anger wash over me. I still never got to ever explain myself!

"Okay I will! I'll explain how I never wanted to sleep with that bitch, and how I thought she wanted to be friends! And I'll explain how she took the lead, even when I told her I didn't want to cheat! I'll explain how she talked me into doing it, saying you would never find out! And I'll explain how I tried to convince myself that it was right even when it wasn't! And I'll also explain that I had no idea how much this effected you, and I thought you just need space but I didn't know you were fucking pissed at me!!" I yelled back, my rage bubbling up.

He didn't look affected by this at all, probably just because of his own sheer rage.

"And ill explain how I never really lost feelings for you and hated myself because of it and thought you hated me and wanted to break up! And now I dont even fucking know what my own emotions are and cant concentrate or do anything without thinking about you! And I'm still mad at you because you fucking caused this mess!!" He screamed right back.

My anger went down and I just stood there in shock, mouth slightly hanging open. 

"Y-you never lost feelings?" I questioned, my voice quiet. 

"God of course I didn't loose feelings, how could I??! You fucking dumbass you dont see anything, god, I hate you!" He yelled, pulling at his hair, eyes squinted closed. He looked so angry and sad, yet stressed all in one. I had never seen him like this before.

I couldn't even say anything anymore, I just stood there trying to comprehend what had just happened.

"i-"

No words could even be formed at all the emotions I was feeling right now.

"I never realized..." I murmured.

"Of course you didn't" Mark replied, eyes fixated on the ground as he calmed down from his anger, "you never do.."

He took a deep breath before turning around and exiting the room without another word. I didn't even have time to react before he was out the door. I couldn't let him get away though, not now. Not after what just happened.

I swung the door open and he was just standing there, taking deep breaths and running his fingers through his hair.

I looked left and right and when I saw the hallways were mostly empty, I grasped onto the back of Mark's shirt, pulling him back into the dressing room.

I could tell he was surprised, but I kept going. I closed and locked the room door, securing us inside.

"Don't think I'm going to let you get away with that.." I told him, crossing my arms.

"Of course your not going to let this go..." He muttered.

"Of course I'm not! I just found out that my ex still has feelings for me and doesn't actually fully despise me, I'm never going to let this go!" I said, looking at him like he was crazy.

He crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. Although I thought I could see a little bit of a smirk peeking through, but I might just be seeing things.

"Don't get that way with me!" I said, looking at him with a stern expression.

"Like what? Like this?" He said, and before I had time to react he pushed me against a wall, hands on my shoulders keeping me from escaping.

"MARK" I exclaimed, a blush creeping up on my face.

"Awhhh is someone blushing?" He cooed in a baby voice.

"Stop that!" I said, trying to hide my quickly reddening face.

"Stop what? Come on, speak up" He said.

He placed his fingers on my chin and lifted it up so we gazed into eachothers eyes. My breath was taken away just from looking into his eyes. His gaze was a mixture between annoyed, mad, and romance. God, I loved when he looked like this.

He stroked my lip with his thumb, gaze flitting from my eye to my lips back to the other eye.

"Mark what are you..." I started but couldn't finish my sentence. 

"shhhh" He shushed me, placing a finger on my lips.

I knew what he was getting at, he had done this plenty of times before. Usually it was to get into my pants, but after what we have been through, I don't think he would try that.

I balled the front of his shirt into a fist, bringing him a tad closer. He let me do so, and it kinda confirmed what he wanted. Well, I think. It was better to try than to not, I guess.

He was now fully staring at my lips, gaze occasionally going to my eyes, as if to ask for permission. I was sure I saw a smirk this time, but again I can't be too sure.

"Goddamit Mark just kiss me already!" I said, getting impatient.

His gaze lit up, and in one quick motion, he lifted me off the ground to where my only support was his arms and the wall and connected our lips, wasting no time. I immediately kissed him back, relishing in the moment that might not last long.

I thought that it would be a quick maybe, 10 second kiss but we just kept going, our lips moving perfectly together. Oh god, how much I had missed this.

"god.. i hate you" Mark murmured between kisses.

"mhmmm" I hummed back in response.

It wasn't a soft kiss, not at all. It was hard and passionate and better than I ever expected.

"fuckin.. hate... you" he muttered again, "breaking my fucking.. heart"

I wrapped my legs around his torso and my fingers got tangled in his hair, pulling on it frequently.

I whimpered out curse words when our lips separated, even just for a moment. Our lips pulled away from eachothers, and we both breathed heavily. My hands relocated to Mark's cheeks, and my legs pulled him even closer.

"fuck, ive missed this so much" I muttered out between heavy pants.

"mmhm you and me both" he replied, and reconnecting our lips before I could get out a response.

We kept passionately making out like we never had before, and it was amazing.

I suddenly felt two hands grip onto my ass, squeezing. I groaned into the kiss, trying to grind down onto his hands but having no luck. He squeezed again, making me softly moan this time.

"mhm your so hot Ethan..." he murmured between kisses.

He squeezed once again, driving me crazy. I panted heavily, loosing my breath at each little movement. 

"you have no idea what your doing to me right now" I breathed out.

He hummed and started to kiss up and down my jaw. I exposed my neck, and he immediately started kissing and sucking on it, leaving love bites here and there.

He started sucking on my sweet spot, still knowing exactly where it was. I moaned out, my hands once again slipping into Mark's hair. My eyes flitted closed as I let him kiss my neck. He left a few more of these love bites, spreading them out along both sides of my neck.

"fuck mark~" I moaned softly, tugging on his hair.

He smirked and softly caressed my cheek, bringing our foreheads together. I turned my head slightly, and I brushed our lips against eachothers, not yet kissing him. He licked my bottom lip, and started to just kiss my top lip, biting and pulling at the skin. I groaned, closing my eyes again. He connected our lips and at first it was soft but it soon escalated back to rough kissing. 

We kept going at it, not caring about anyone or anything, just eachother.

The entire time, I half expected him to pull away and realize what he did, and then run away or something but he never did.

"i never thought I would ever miss someone's lips like this" I huffed, pulling off for a moment but going right back in.

We were both enjoying ourselves to the max, making every second that we spent making out count, because it might not last much longer.

"God your so hot.... mhm ive missed you... i love you... god i love you so much" I murmured in between kisses, attaching our lips immediately after each so he didn't have a chance to respond.

I placed my hands on the back of his neck, pulling him in closer to me. He chuckled into my lips, barely being able to continue anymore.

"what's so funny??" I huffed, pulling away from his sweet lips even though I didn't want to.

"nothing, your just cute" He smirked.

I blushed, trying to hide away my face.

"No dont hide from me baby" He cooed, bringing my face back up by my chin.

'baby... he called me baby!' I thought, a small smile spreading across my face.

I didn't even try to contain my smile, bringing our foreheads together so that they were touching. I thought we were done, but moments later we were back to passionately making out, and both our shirts were discarded. Everything was moving so quick, yet time seemed to slow with each little kiss and movement we made. 

We were starting to get handsy with eachother, my hands touching touching his arms and chest while his caressed just about everywhere on my torso. It was the most amount of contact we had had since the breakup. I honestly didn't know if this would lead to something more, but I really didn't care. If he was okay with it, I was too.

Mark's hands found his way to my throat, and gripped onto it, asserting his dominance even though he already had at the start. My breathing hitched, and I pulled off his lips, panting from both the choking and the long makeout session. He knew that I had a choking kink, and although I would always let anybody do it, Mark doing it was just something else. 

I threw my head back, and that allowed him to tighten his grip on the sides of my throat, making me almost moan. He knew exactly how I liked it. He smashed our lips together again, squeezing my neck even harder than before, not allowing me to breathe. He kept this up for a few moments before dropping his grip, both hands now resting on my shoulders. I struggled to breath from the choking, and the kissing only made it harder, yet I still loved it. 

I suddenly heard a pounding on the door, making me jump with surprise and pull of his now swollen lips. 

"Ethan! Mark! Are you two in there?" I heard Tyler yell.

I held my breath, and Mark looked like he was as well. My gaze darted between the door and him, eyes wide. I didn't want to be caught, not now. I heard the sound of the nob twisting but the door was locked so he wasn't successful at getting in. I let out a quiet breath of relief. 

"Doors locked." He said, "But we should get the keys, I'm pretty sure my bag is in there and if we want to go around town, we'll need it."

My breathing hitched, and I heard footsteps walking away. I then turned and faced Mark again. He was still surprised but looking like he loved every moment of this. It was kinda fun to be honest, having to be quiet so that we could do this and knowing we could be caught at any moment. If we didn't start dating after this, I wanted to definitely do this more often, maybe have a friends with benefits type deal. 

"Shit, that was a close one, they almost caught us" I chuckled, "but we have to hurry it up, they will be back in a few minutes"

Mark nodded his head and I went back in. We went right back to kissing roughly, knowing that we didn't have much time before they would come back and find us. It was honestly amazing how quickly we got to it, sucking and kissing eachothers lips sloppily. We were only embracing eachother for about 30 or 40 seconds before I heard another knocking at the door.

"You do know that I can hear you guys, right?" Amy's voice said.

Fuck.

We pulled apart, and I silently slipped off the wall so I was standing again. I gazed around with a panicked expression, but then noticed the couch and blanket. 

"Pretend like you just woke up on the couch" I whispered into Mark's ear, being as quiet as possible. 

I really hoped that she didn't hear us making out. Because that would lead to her confronting us, and then that would lead to lots of questions and we would have to explain ourselves. Which wouldn't be fun. So, this was the new plan. 

He nodded, rushing over to the couch. He didn't bother to put a shirt on, he usually slept without one anyways. He pulled a blanket over his shoulders, making it look like he just sat up. I fixed my messy hair as best I could and put his shirt on instead of mine, it would help fit better into my lie. I knew that my cheeks were probably flushed, but I couldn't really do anything about that. We had already been caught, so there really was no going back now.

I unlocked the door and Amy stood there with her arms crossed, one eyebrow raised. Her weight was only on one foot, her hip popping out as she stood. 

"Sorry about that" I chuckled, scratching the back of my neck, "I had to change and Mark had just woken up."

She looked like she didn't believe it.

"Likely story, I know your lying" She snickered, walking into the room. Mark looked tired and yawned. It actually looked like he just woke up.

"What do you mean??" I asked, letting go of the door and hearing it swing shut.

"You were changing in the only room without any clothes and Mark was snoozing in the room where I heard his voice loud and clear?? And hearing sounds of kissing and heavy breathing when he was supposedly sleeping? Also, messed up hair, swollen lips, and flushed cheeks. I mean, I get the messy hair for Mark, but everything else- I know you two well enough to know something else besides sleeping and getting dressed happened in here. But nice try" She smirked, crossing her arms and looking at me with a 'I know what you did' kinda look. 

Goddamn, she was good.

"uhm..." I started, my gaze flitting from Mark to Amy, then back to Mark.

She threw her head back and cackled. 

"You guys are the least subtle kissers I've ever heard" She teased, "Like jesus christ, I could hear you from 10 feet away! Your lucky none of the others could hear, and were busy talking or else you would have outed yourselves!"

My eyes went wide, and I looked at Mark. He mimicked my expression, giving me the 'oh shit, we've been caught' look.

He often gave it to me when we were dating and had been caught either having sex, doing something that we weren't supposed to or- in this case- making out at times we weren't supposed to, such as in the bathroom or at a public place that we could easily be caught and outed to everyone. However, the fact that we were caught even making out was enough to have this reaction.

Mark cleared his throat after a good full minute of all of us exchanging looks and staying silent.

"c-could you like..." He started, but trailed off out of embarrassment, cheeks turning more red than they already were.

"Not tell anyone?" She finished his sentence.

"y-yeah" he said, looking down awkwardly.

She giggled, taking a seat on the edge of the couch, "I won't tell anyone."

I breathed out a sigh of relief, plopping down next to Mark.

"Anyways" Amy spoke up, "We're gonna go around and look at sights and explore around town here after you guys eat lunch. And before the rest of the gang come back, you'll both need to sneak out so they don't realize you were in here"

I then heard a knocking at the door, and panicked.

"mark, put a shirt on and then both of you get out of here through the back door" Amy whispered to us, throwing Mark his - well - my, shirt.

He slipped it on, and it was a little tight but honestly didn't look that weird. He stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the back door. He hesitated, looking towards Amy, in case she wanted us to wait or something.

'go!', she mouthed to us, and we exited the room, ending up in a strange hallway. I tuned into what they were saying through the wall while Mark tried to see where we were.

"sorry about that guys, I didn't realize that I locked the door when I left, and ended up having a spare key in my pocket that I forgot about" Amy lied.

"Oh. Well, do you know where Mark and Ethan are? We still need to find them!" I heard Tyler say.

"Yeah I think they are in the-"

I got pulled away by Mark before I could hear what Amy said, so I didn't know where they would be searching for us.

"so this is the hallway where the prop room, scripting room, and storage rooms are" Mark whispered, started to speed walk away. I followed, not wanting to be left behind, "and hardly anyone comes down here, except for the prop directors and some of the workers here, so we gotta get out of here. If anybody catches us, were gonna be in a sticky situation."

I nodded, and Mark opened a door for me. I went in and he came shortly behind, closing the door quietly. We were now in the main area that I knew very well. I glanced around, making sure that nobody was here that would be able to recognize us. 

I spotted a bathroom and nudged Mark, jerking my head in it's direction. His eyes lit up and he looked around. I felt him pull on my arm and look at me with an urgent look. We raced into the bathroom as quickly as quietly as possible.

After we were safely in the bathroom, we stayed in there for a few moments, catching out breaths and giggling at ourselves at what happened. 

"Reminder to never do that again" Mark breathed, resting his hands on his knees while bending down.

I nodded, but didn't know if he meant that we should never make out again, or if we should just find a private area to do so.

After we calmed down in there, we quickly exited, Mark going first and scoping out the area before telling me I was safe to come out as well. I just hoped nobody saw us. 

Mark then started walking towards another hallway, so I of course followed, unsure of where he was going but trusting him to lead us somewhere. He did know this building best out of all of us, after all. 

"Guys!" I hear somebody shout from behind us. I glanced behind and saw Tyler, Bob, Wade and Amy.

I nudged Mark and he turned around as well, muttering a little "there they are".

Tyler soon caught up to us, the rest of the gang following shortly after.

"where were you guys??" He asked, a little out of breath.

"just in the bathroom" I said confidently but not too cocky. It sounded like a legitimate answer, even though it was far from the truth.

"oh, well if you haven't already, go get a bite to eat and then meet us at the entrance so we can look around town a little bit. The bus will be here in like, two and a half hours or so" He notified us.

I nodded and they started walking away. Mark and I both went the opposite way towards where they had food for us.

"That was a close one" I sighed, feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that we got away with it.

"yeah..." Mark murmured.

"But don't think I've forgiven you!" He said sternly.

I just about burst into laughter, but kept it as a small chuckle.

"You went from hating my guts and not even being able to sit with me to making out with me in a dressing room, all in a span of about 2 or 3 hours, and your still gonna say you haven't forgiven me?" I giggled at him, not being able to hold back my grin.

"well-" Mark started, trying to think of a comeback.

I couldn't stop the smile that was on my face from showing. I knew that this was all just jokes, thankfully.

"Hush it Nestor" He said jokingly, elbowing me in the side.

I looked at him with a smile and saw he had a fond look on his face. I stopped walking for a moment and so did he, and we gazed into eachother's eyes. However, my smile quickly faded.

"I-I'm sorry Mark..." I said, my gaze dropping, "I really am. I didn't mean to cheat on you, and I would never do something to purposely hurt you... and I thought that you were just being dramatic or something but now I see that I really messed up."

He brought me into a hug, holding me tight.

"It's okay Ethan.. it's okay, I really do forgive you. I promise"

I burrowed my head into his neck, as we held eachother for a moment. He pulled away a few seconds later.

"And I also didn't see it from your perspective, I didn't know she forced you into it.." He said, scratching the back of his neck in an embarrassed way.

"Mark it's not your fault. I screwed up and I shouldn't have done that. I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions" I said sternly, furrowing my brow.

He didn't say anything back, just stood there. I don't know if he was thinking about something or what, but I just stood as well.

After a few more moments, I nodded and started to walk away, a cloud of guilt already fogging my brain. 

"Ethan wait!" I heard Mark's voice call to me. 

I spun back around and saw him still standing there, looking nervous. I took a few strides back over to him, making sure we were closer but not too close.

"i forgive you" He muttered.

"y-you do?" I asked, voice hushed.

"Yeah.. a-and if your comfortable with it, I'd love to start dating again. I mean, if that makes you comfortable..." He mumbled, his voice quiet.

"I dunno Mark... I feel like we should just be friends for now... I-If that's okay with you..." I said, my voice also trailing off.

'what the fuck ethan! you could have saved your relationship right then and there! Fucking dumbass!! You still love him!' my brain screamed at me.

'woah there. I do NOT have feelings for him still! I thought we established that a long time ago. And even if I did, I don't deserve him... I broke his heart and now I have to pay for that. If I ever forgive myself for what I did, then I might talk to him about getting back together' The reasonable part of my brain shot back. 

It was strange, having arguments with two sides of my brain. One was reasonable and thought things through and the other would mindlessly do anything without any thought. The latter of the two was usually the one in control, which was something that I was still trying to work on. 

"o-okay." He said. He sounded hurt. 

I immediately felt bad, and opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out and I just ended up looking like an idiot. However Mark had me covered and said more.

"And in all honestly I still kinda have some feelings for you but... if it doesn't make you comfortable being together again, thats what really matters. I would never do something that makes you uncomfortable just because I would benefit from it."

I finally brought myself to look up at him and he looked sad, but also understanding. I gave him a warm smile, feeling the urge to hug him again. So, that's exactly what I did. 

It felt nice, being tangled up in his warm arms, feeling safe and at home despite everything that happened.

"thankyou" I murmured, resting my chin on his shoulder.

He nodded and I pulled away from his arms after a few more seconds. Good timing too, any longer and it would have gotten awkward.

I took a deep breath.

"We should try and start new.." He said, looking into my eyes, "Pretend like we never dated in the first place, and see where that takes us."

I nodded, yet another a small smile spreading across my face.

"I'd like that"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this first chapter :)
> 
> (Part 1 of 4)


	3. II

Ethan's POV

Look.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Mark and I were just SUPPOSED to be good friends, nothing more. We were SUPPOSED to start new again and interact like normal fucking people and not have any tension between us.

Well, that was out the window.

It's not like he even has feelings for me, he is definitely way past that. It's been months since that even happened. By "that", I mean the kisses and almost getting caught- well we did get caught. Luckily it was only by Amy and she would never purposefully make us uncomfortable by saying something. And of course the talk afterwards about how we should start over and just be friends.

That last part was the most painful. 

That's how I should be feeling. I should be knowing him as my ex, and now just a friend. 

Just a friend...

I know that's what Mark thinks of me as. But of course, the universe always works against me so I'm left with this mess.

It's not that I still like him more than a friend. Because I don't. It's just that... I wish we could be the types of friends to flirt and make gay jokes with eachother, and cuddle and hug and hold hands. I wish that we would be the types of friends to act like we have crushes on eachother but then say no homo while we give eachother hand jobs.

I don't like him. I dont. I swear.

But I wanna be more than friends but also not at the same time.

It's just- it's confusing.

I'm confusing.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. I was on the tour bus, waiting for the others. We had finished our last show of the day so I decided to hop on the bus while the others handled the equipment. We would have a long drive tonight, and after we finish our last show of the night, we would have to be off. 

Off to another place. New sights. New experiences. New memories, leaving the old ones behind to turn to dust and sink into the ground, only living the traces of them stuck in our minds to reminisce about. 

My elbows dug into my knees and my hands gripped my hair while I sat there just thinking. My emotions were once again, fucked. 

The last time that I felt this confused about everything was when Mark and I had first started dating. It was in the first few weeks that it happened. He was being more distant than usual, and I thought he had already lost feelings. I beat myself up about it and was just not in a great state because of it. However it all worked out in the end. Mark said that he didn't know how to balance a relationship as well as work, and had never been in such a serious one. He said that he wanted to do good videos as well as make sure I knew I was loved, and that I wasn't suffering on the inside. He told me that he just loved me so much and just wanted to be a good boyfriend.

It was wholesome but also worrying, seeing him so distraught by the idea of us.

Maybe it was because of his past relationship trauma, maybe he just can't handle change well. Who knows. All I know is that I was so in love with him.

'Still am', my brain noted.

.....

Wait.

"no I do NOT like him" I said aloud, trying to convince myself further. 

I shook my thoughts away, getting back to what I was just thinking about.

It made me sad now. To see how he went from being so in love with me to just being friends, maybe not even that.

I just miss us.

I miss the way that we would cuddle up next to eachother and watch movies.

I miss the way that Mark would always spoon me when I was feeling down.

I miss the way that he would come down from bed all sleepy and then hug me from behind while I was making us breakfast. 

I miss the way he would kiss my neck and make me giggle.

I miss the way that we would cuddle for hours, just enjoying eachothers presence.

I miss how when I was having a bad day, he would just hold me, whispering sweet words in my ear and singing me to sleep.

I miss the ways that we would hold hands while having sex, making it feel just that much more romantic. 

I miss how Mark would kiss my face and make me blush. 

I miss how he would shower me with compliments when I felt insecure.

I miss the ways that we would have little spa nights, doing eachothers face masks and painting our nails horribly while eating snacks and laughing.

I miss the way that we would make pillow forts on cold winters nights and drink cocoa while watching Netflix. 

And I miss the way that Mark made me feel like the most important and beautiful person on earth.

I miss it.

I miss it.

I miss it.

So much.

I bit my lip hard to keep a tear from rolling out. I shouldn't be feeling like this. He doesn't even share these feelings, I should just let it go.

Just. let. it. go.

I practically slapped myself.

I clenched my teeth, feeling my eyes water again. Despite my efforts to stop it, a tear dripped out. I probably shouldn't be sitting here just in the open. If someone came onto the bus, they would probably be concerned and ask if I'm okay. And even though that thought lingered, I still didn't budge from my spot.

Another few tears washed down my cheeks, and my lip started to quiver a little. I took a sharp inhale, trying to calm myself down. I gripped my hair harder, wiping my eyes with the bottom part of my palm, my vision going dark yet lit up by random complex and bright shapes from pressing so hard into my sockets. 

I took a few deep breaths, feeling my eyes start to dry up again. I took one last big breath in and out, and finally felt myself calming down from my little outburst of emotions. 

After a few moments of just sitting there, I decided to get up. Luckily nobody had gotten on the bus yet but they probably would soon so I had to hurry it up. I went over to my bunk, seeing my bag placed on top of the nicely made blankets. All I wanted to do was listen to some random comfort music while scrolling through Twitter. I dug through until I found my phone and earbuds, making sure the charger was there as well. I checked a few notifications and a text that was from Amy, just asking where I was. I responded with my location and suddenly heard the bus door open.

God fucking dammit.

I didn't think much of it, not even bothering to look up from what I was doing, still a little pissed off at the fact this person had to come now, right when I was gonna chillax and take it easy.

"Ethan"

I would recognize that voice anywhere.

I froze, whole body going stiff. My back was facing him, and it probably looked like I was dead or something. I don't know how that is even possible, but the thought still crossed my mind.

I heard some footsteps getting closer to me.

"Ethan?"

I glanced over my shoulder, my gaze met with raven colored hair and silky smooth eyes.

"Oh hi", I said simply.

I set my phone and earbuds down onto my bunk, now meeting his gaze fully. He looked awkward and uncomfortable, standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets, like a nervous school boy.

"what?" I asked simply.

I didn't get an answer for a good 10 seconds, but Mark did narrow his eyes at me for a moment. Not in a condescending or rude way. He looked like he was trying to find a key to my brain, trying to unlock all my thoughts so they could spill out onto the floor.

"It's nothing... Anyways, can we talk?" He asked, and I could visibly see that he was biting the inside of his lip by the way it slightly caved inwards.

Not in a turned on way, I could tell from his eyes and brows that he was uneasy. I didn't know why though, there's no reason for him to be.

"Uhm- yeah sure, what about?"

"well"

His eyes darted around, looking everywhere but me. I pressed my lips together, slightly nibbling on the inside of my lip out of habit, awaiting an answer. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.

"come on, spill it" I urged, desperate to know what he was so interested in talking about.

...

He finally talked.

"You see i want to talk ab- erm- well the thing it- i don- if- why ar- er- i mean-" He stumbled over words, hands leaving his pockets and fiddling with themselves. 

I crossed my arms, feeling a bit annoyed. Then a thought crossed my mind.

A thought I didn't like. 

It annoyed me.

But I still said something about it.

"If you want to talk about us, don't even bother. That was months ago and we should just forget that it even happened" I said sternly.

That shut him up real quick.

I was baffled. 

Is that really what is so important?? Is something we sorted out a while ago, and shouldn't even be discussed?? Why was he even nervous about it? Nervous is the last word that I would ever use to describe Mark Edward Fischbach. 

I raised my brows, indirectly asking him if that was what he wanted to talk about. He still said nothing, looking down at his clasped hands in defeat. I rolled my eyes, huffing and pushing past him to the main bus area. 

Fucking idiot. 

"Ethan it's not that"

I glanced over my shoulder and saw him standing there, brows furrowed. He looked concentrated, a little confused as well.

"I just need to ask you about something", He said simply, looking up at me again.

I sighed, spinning around to face him, feeling annoyed. I was so fed up with his antics, I don't know why I still let him talk to me. 

"What is it then- and you better not stutter over your words or take up too much of my time. Just say it." I said, more harshly than I intended. However, he didn't seem bothered by this, just kept talking.

"I need to talk about you."

I was immediately confused.

"You want to talk about me... to me?" I asked, raising a brow at him.

I swear he's gone mad. 

"Yes- well no" He said, keeping a straight face.

I huffed, finding this a little bit amusing. I crossed my arms, shifting all my weight to one leg.

"Go on then"

"Well okay I phrased that weird, it's not about you, more about your actions." He started, launching straight into it, "you've been acting... strange. And not in your normal ways where it's cute and quirky and for like, a bit. Like that joke on stage yesterday- what was that about!"

I tried to ignore how he called me 'cute and quirky', and thought back to yesterday. What joke did I- 

A smirk spread across my face as I remembered what I had said.

"Oh yeah, that" I giggled, struggling to contain my smile.

"Ethan! This isn't a laughing matter! Do you realize how detrimental that could be to our image!" He exclaimed, sounding annoyed with me. 

My eyes practically bulged out of my head. Did I just hear him right?!

"Your acting like this is something bigger than it is. It was just a joke! It's not gonna do shit to our image" I said, crossing my arms, "The only way that it would effect our image would be if we have a bunch of homophobic fans, but we don't. Your just being silly at this point and making random shit up."

"You made a gay joke live on stage"

"Your point being...?"

"About sex"

"... And? If i'm gonna be out, they would know anyways"

"Not about your sex life! Jesus christ Ethan, do you not care about anything?!"

I just rolled my eyes at this, biting back a vile comeback. Our bickering never solved anything, but I had to keep a cool head so it didn't turn into something more.

"Mark. I'm well aware of what jokes I've made and I need you to calm down. We've made sex jokes before, this is nothing new" I told him calmly, "Your just salty because you can't get laid."

Okay I'll have to admit, that last part was a little unnecessary but I just couldn't help myself. In all honest, it was a little fun watching Mark get mad at tiny things, usually relating to my relationship status. 

"Are you implying that you are?" He shot back, raising a brow.

"Well maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Again, that's my business. What does it matter to you? You just said people don't have to know about my sex life" I challenged, dodging the question he had just asked.

"But I'm your friend, and I just don't want you to have a fuck buddy without me knowing" He said harshly, emphasizing the 'friend'.

Um.

"You do realize that I am my own person. I can make my own decisions and I don't have to tell you something if I don't want to. You shouldn't be involved in my sex life anyways, it's unnecessary."

I could visibly see his jaw clench and eyes darken.

"I don't want my friend to be taken advantage of. You used to tell me everything, what's the difference now?" He deadpanned, eyes narrowing at me.

I just about burst into laughter. He was being insane at this point!

"Again: I'm my own person. I can take care of myself and I don't need you watching over every single move that I make. We aren't dating anymore Mark, and I hate to say it but I don't trust you as much as I used to! I don't know what will get this into your head but we are just friends. You are being way to overprotective of me, and its so unnecessary!" I told him off, tone rough.

Although I hated to say it, we weren't dating, and that's the truth. And he needs to realize that if he wants our relationship to get anywhere. 

"Well EXCUSE ME for caring about your well being and safety" He shot back at me, arms crossing across his chest in a sassy way.

"Ah yes, watching every move and obsessing over your ex, caring so much about me" I noted, sarcasm heavy on my tongue and eyes narrowed.

He looked almost offended, not expecting a comeback to this.

"I am NOT obsessing over you, if anything you are obsessing over ME! You always do things to get my attention! Trust me Ethan, I've noticed, I'm not dumb!"

He met my comebacks with even more arguing. I could have stopped the bickering right then and there but of course I didn't. I was cocky like that. I wouldn't let myself loose an argument, especially when I had a whole load of things to mention and talk about.

"Pfft, me obsessing over my ex? Yeah, likely story. Your probably just saying cause your still in love with me!" I spoke, looking at him grimly.

My tone was confident, but it didn't stay within me. I really don't think he still loved me more than a friend, but when we're arguing, logic doesn't really apply. We sometimes just mindlessly shout things at eachother to win. 

But I couldn't help it, there was no other way to cope- no not cope. I am NOT in love with him, there's nothing to cope with. I just needed a way to indirectly tell him that I was so fucking confused. That might get us somewhere.

Yeah, that's it.

Mark huffed, snapping me from my thoughts.

"I am not in love with you! You are just being crazy at this point! Those feelings were lost ages ago, what part of you doesn't understand that!! Your being so dumb, and you don't even understand! You want to live in the fantasy where I am hopelessly in love with you but that's not the reality! Trust me, I want it as much as you do but- that's not the world we live in! So I need you to get your head out of your own ass and act like a normal human being! Let's try that, shall we?" He sassed, giving me an insincere smile that had the hint of rage behind it.

I was taken aback by his wording of things, and that he had the audacity to be like this. And of course, that only fueled my rage. Honestly I don't know why I was mad, there wasn't anything to be mad about. I mean, he was right, but I couldn't let him see that. He was a cocky son of a bitch and any time he was right would just boost his never-ending ego.

I did want to be with him.

But I AM NOT in love with him. 

Its confusing, I know. But it makes sense to me and that's all that matters.

"You telling me to get my head out of my ass? Alright Mr. 'I hold the world at my hands and my ego is way too big for my own good'" I shot back, purposely trying to provoke him.

He was so full of himself, all the time. And I'm tired of it.

"Are you SO sure of that" He snapped, "Because I seem to remem-"

"Umm guys?"

I froze, posture stiffening.

I think we were now, utterly: fucked. I didn't dare look to where I heard the voice coming from. I knew it was Tyler's, but how many others he was with was lost knowledge to me at this moment.

"What" Mark growled, his tone still angry from the bickering. 

"You guys okay?" He probed, pushing Mark to answer the question, "I heard some yelling from outside."

Shit.

Mark didn't respond, and I didn't even dare to look in Tyler's direction.

"Okay, what the fuck is going on here??" He asked, sounding so confused.

I finally worked up the courage to sneak a glance over to Tyler. He was glancing between Mark and I, seeing if either one of us would pipe up and spill it. But we both knew better than that. Even though Tyler was one of our best friends, we weren't going to tell him all about how we just had a pretty much useless fight about me being too 'ignorant'.

We both stayed silent, tension thick as it hung, unspoken of but definitely present.

"This is a bunch of bull" Tyler sighed after a few more moments of silence before turning around and leaving the bus.

I let out a breath, relaxing my body. I looked up at Mark but he was looking at the entrance to the bus regretfully. He looked back at me, lips just about quivering. He looked like he was about to cry, and all I wanted to do was go over and hug him tight like I used to, but after what happened that was not even a possibility.

Then, he left without another word.

**

Mark's POV

Soft lofi music rang in my ears as I rested on my bunk, falling in and out of short bursts of sleep. I was tired, but not that tired and I wanted to sleep but also not. I don't know, but it was kinda calming to just lay there and fall in and out of sleep. It made me feel detached from reality, which was exactly what I needed right about now.

I felt another wave of sleep overcome me, and I closed my eyes, relaxing my body. I took deep calming breaths, the haziness of rest overpowering me. Just as I felt my body about to doze off, the thundering sound of something falling awakened me.

"Ouch"

I snorted a laugh, rolling over to my other side on the limited amount of space I had. I tugged at the curtain that gave me some privacy and saw Amy on the floor. I paused my music before speaking.

"What are you doing down there" I chuckled, my voice gravelly from sleep.

"I fell" She giggled.

I laughed at her, shining a tired smile. I peeked my head out of the curtain, still laying down. Nobody else was in sight, so I guessed that it was just Amy and I on the bus.

I thought about going back to sleep, but my body had already woken up, so that wasn't gonna happen. I stifled a yawn, stretching out the best I could in the small space.

"What time is it" I asked drowsily, lifting off my headphones and placing them beside me.

"About 1 pm," she answered after a quick glance at her watch. "We have a show in 2 hours, if you didn't know, but they are already setting up sound and stuff like that already."

I nodded, yawning again.

Once I had taken some time to awaken, I stood up, stretching my arms up and yawning once more.

"Are you gonna come in with me or no?" I asked her, tidying my bed and packing my headphones away in my bag. I noticed that I was still in sweatpants and a t-shirt but there was plenty of clothes in the dressing rooms, so I didn't worry about bringing any in with me.

"Nah, I'll stay on the bus for a little longer" She told me, finally getting up off the floor.

I nodded, closing the little curtain so that my bed looked a little neater.

"But before you go I wanna ask you about something" She added, fidgeting with a ring on her pointer finger.

She seemed unsure- almost embarrassed- about it.

"Okay, go on" I said, slightly raising an eyebrow at her uncertainty.

She hesitated, looking like she was trying to find a good way to word it.

"So I don't want this to sound like, invasive or anything, because you are totally allowed to have privacy. And you don't have to answer but.."

"but..." I repeated, raising a brow at her.

She fidgeted with her ring again, looking like she regretted even asking.

"okay" she started.

"I'm just curious- what the hell is going on with you and Ethan?? and don't say nothing, because you two have been acting very... strange next to eachother. Like, a few hours ago, Tyler said he was gonna come and chill on the bus but when he came back 10 minutes later, he looking so confused and mad. And both you and Ethan were missing."

I was taken aback by this question, not really sure how to respond. I thought for a good moment, knowing that she was right. It was one of those things where Amy would know if I was lying, but I really didn't want to tell her the truth.

It was time to do what I did best.

Stall.

"What do you mean? We had that- well you know, and then decided we should just be friends instead. You know this" I told her.

I knew what she wanted to hear. But, I couldn't just give that to her, it would take more than that for her to get through to the real answer.

"Yeah I know that part, but there is.. something going on between you two. The looks you give eachother, something that happened on the bus, trying to subtly move closer to eachother, staring at the other when you think nobody is watching. I mean- you can't deny there is something going on between you two. And I don't know if it's love or something or hatred but I mean, this is so weird, especially for you two and your relationship status." She explained her thinking. 

I tried my best to keep up the confused expression on my face, and pretend to not know what she was talking about.

I knew that she knew I was playing dumb. But maybe with enough persuasion, I could change her mind. 

"What are you talking about? We don't do that, and we are just friends is all, there is nothing going on between us" I calmly stated.

She raised a brow.

"Look, I'm just saying that there nothing going on, I mean I would know best. And even if there was something between us, you would be the first person that I would tell." I clarified, trying to lie as best I could while still addressing her comment.

She muttered something under her breath but then nodded, and she looked more confused than ever. 

But, that was the problem. What happens between Ethan and I is our business, not hers. If there was something that was super important in our relationship, I would tell her.

But for now it was just locked emotions and way too many butterflies than I should be having.

And there wasn't a whole lot I could do about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOPE YOU ENJOYED THERE WILL BE MORE TO COME SOON !!
> 
> (Part 2 of 4)


	4. III

TW // Panic Attack

Mark's POV

"There you are Mark!"

I whirled around at the mention of my name and saw Dan (the music man) running up to me.

"Oh hi," I greeted him simply with a half wave.

"Have you done enough practicing for the show? Because people are gonna start coming in to sit down in like, 20 minutes so if you haven't, there is plenty of time to do a bit of improv practice, you know how much I like to check that over and over," He rambled on.

"No I don't think I need any more practice before todays show, but if you haven't already ask the other boys. I wanna make sure that we're all on the same page and ready" I spoke with authority in my voice, something that I did quite often. But nobody ever really said anything about it, which worked for me. Taking the lead was something that just came natural to me, and I'll admit that sometimes it was hard to step down and let others be in charge. But that was something I was trying to work on.

He nodded and walked away, probably in search of the other boys. I stood there for a moment, not really sure what I should be doing. Remembering that I was still dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, I started heading towards my dressing room.

"There you are Mark! I was looking for you!" One of the stylists called out to me once I was in the room.

"Yeah, I need to get some new clothes for the show and get my hair styled up and stuff. You know, the usual," I notified, giving her a polite smile.

She nodded with a warm smile, getting a few of her tools ready for me.

**

"Thank you, it looks wonderful!" I exclaimed when the lady was done styling up my hair, flashing her a bright smile.

"Of course! now you better catch up to the rest of the boys and make sure you are all ready to get out there," She said, a hint of blush layering her cheeks.

I nodded, giving the stylist a little wave before exiting the dressing room.

Right.

Now I have to make sure that the others are all ready, and then maybe we can just chillax for a little bit, maybe whip out the camera and do a bit of vlogging. I knew the show was going to start in about 45 minutes, the audience was always filed in early to get situated, and then later was when the show would officially start.

I took my phone out of my back pocket, texting Amy asking the whereabouts of her location. The typing bubble popped up almost immediately, and she told me to meet her in the lounge where the rest of the boys would meet us as well.

I nodded at the screen, as if she could see me through it. I started to make my way to the longue area, giving polite smiles or waves to the crew members I passed.

Once I finally reached the cozy lounge, Amy sat there with both Bob and Wade on her right. Once she heard me, her head perked up from where it was staring at her phone.

"Oh hey!" She greeted.

I gave a little nod as my greeting, leaning on the doorframe. It was a comfy little room, plush leather couches, a large mirror outlined in bright light bulbs, a minifridge with some snacks and drinks, chairs to sit in, some random decorations to spice up the whole interior a bit more. And of course random strings of fairy lights that Ethan insisted on adding. They had fallen down in some places, now being strung about messily, but I think it just added to the whole interior feel.

Amy and I made small talk while Bob and Wade were both occupied by their phones, letting the other see occasionally, probably showing eachother little memes. They let out little giggles, but I was in no need to figure out what they were laughing about.

"Where's Tyler?" I questioned casually.

"I don't know, you wanna go find him?" She asked, but it was more of an 'if you want to you can', rather than a demand.

I nodded, slipping out of the door and heading down the hallway. There was a few different places that I had in mind of where he might be, they all seemed very Tyler-esk. These types of things came easy for me, having known him for practically my whole life.

I found him quite fast, as both of us were looking for the other. We walked side by side, chatting about the show, and kinda just making small talk. By the time we got back- it was a short walk- some of the crew was there as well. Not many of them, just three or four. But they were chatting away with Bob, Wade and Amy so it was fine.

"There you are!" Amy broke away from the conversation, noticing that I arrived with Tyler just behind me.

Tyler greeted them with little waves and Hello's. He strutted over to the minifridge, pulling out a water and offering one to the nearest person to him.

I sat down next to Kathryn, who I just noticed was here and we got into a conversation about what we were planning to do on stage. She intently listened, giving little suggestions on things, which was actually quite helpful. She was seriously the backbone of this whole tour, along with Amy. They helped so much, and hardly expected anything in return. But of course, that's where the big surprise came in for the end of tour, to thank them for all their efforts.

"Hey wait Mark, where's Ethan?" Amy asked me suddenly, breaking up our discussion.

"Oh uh, I don't know" I told her quickly, briefly flicking my gaze over to her, but it went quickly back to Kathryn so we could keep up our conversation.

"Do you think you could find him for me?" She asked, and it felt a whole lot like she was purposely trying to provoke me. She knew that something was going on, even if I said there was nothing. She was smart enough to know when something was up, and now I felt like she was taking advantage of her knowledge.

"Can't you just find him" I whined, looking at her with pleading eyes, "please".

She looked unconvinced, playfully rolling her eyes.

"But you know him best, you probably would be able to find him the quickest"

Okay now I know that she was trying something, and she definitely knew something was up. But I didn't complain anymore, knowing that would get us nowhere.

I sighed at her, glaring at her a moment before boosting myself off the couch. She smirked, looking proud of herself. I just rolled my eyes, exiting through the doorway to go and search for the brunette boy.

I could have thought harder about where he might be, but honestly I didn't. If he was lost, oh well. He is smart enough to figure it out, so I was kinda just wandering around, trying to look busy. It would give me enough time to think about things, since I had a lot of things that I wanted to put some more thought into.

When I finally let my figurative wall of steel down (figuratively of course, when I didn't want to deal with my own mind anymore, I thought about a huge wall coming up, blocking off my deep and confusing thoughts from the rest of my mind) I realized how much there was to address.

Fight, Break-Up, Show, Secrets, Feelings.

My brain listed off, using quick and simplistic words. Not for any reason, it was just easier to process when it was simple. Most of these- of fucking course- had to do with Ethan. That bastard.

It was so confusing. He was so confusing.

I didn't want to think about him, not like this. I didn't want to think about how vulnerable he is in this state, and how easy it would be for him to get taken advantage of. I shivered, not liking that thought. He was so pure and such a wholehearted person, I would never want anybody to do him like that. If only we were-

No.

I've gotta stop doing that, thinking about what would happen if, or wishing something would happen. We're just friends.

I huffed at myself.

Maybe if I told myself that enough times, it would come true. I knew that we were much more than just "friends". Our relationship was deeply rooted with lies, adoration, regret, anger, frustration, love, and arguments. Which was not a good combination when you think about it.

I shook my head out, trying to get all these strange thoughts out of my head, thinking back to the figurative steel wall.

Did it work?

Nope.

I suddenly felt a little pricking at my bum, near the left pocket. I glanced behind me, seeing my little tour card pass thingy that hung from my back pocket snagged on the handle of a door. How the fuck did that even happen? I sighed, unhooking it from the handle and shoving it back in my pocket, ready to depart again when I heard:

Something.

Unsure of what it was, I waited for a moment, eyebrows knitted and ears alert for any sudden sounds.

I was probably just hearing things again.

But then, there it was again. A sniffle? Was it just a fan or something? Whatever it was- it was coming from inside of the room my lanyard got stuck on. I made the quick decision to stick around for a moment longer, listening intently.

Nothing.

Just as I was about to turn around and leave to keep on going down the hall, I heard another sound, different from the first. It sounded like talking. Muffled, so I couldn't quite decipher what was being said, but I was sure I heard someone talking.

I checked the hall up and down, making sure that nobody could see me. This looked very suspicious, like I was trying to spy on somebody. Even though that was far from the truth. There it was again, the muffled talking. However, there was words that I could make out this time.

pull.. together..

Pull together? What needed to be pulled together. I pressed my ear to the door in hopes of hearing something else, but a heart wrenching sob erupted from inside. Someone was definitely in there- and it's not like it's any of my business, but they sound distressed, and I wanted to help.

I hesitated for a moment, but then came to the decision to knock on the wood door.

"Hello? Anyone in there?" I called out, then stayed silent in hopes of a response.

There was no response but a little whine that I barely caught.

I don't know what the fuck I was even doing, it's not like this is a movie- or a crime scene. Maybe my thoughts were driving me to the point of insanity.

Probably.

"Hello?" I called out again.

"d-do you need so-something?" I heard a voice say back. It wavered and the person almost sounded like they were crying. The voice was familiar, but the rational part of my brain was clouded, and I couldn't think straight to pinpoint said voice.

"Are you okay?" I asked again, hand resting on the doorknob.

There was no response for a couple seconds, but then the voice piped up again.

"nono i-i'm fine- y-you sh-"

It finally hit me, like a punch to the gut.

"Ethan?"

No response.

Okay that was definitely him. Why was he in here- presumably crying- and not looking for us to get ready for the show? Did he not want to see me? Was he upset with me? Was that it?

"y-you d-dont..." He trailed off again.

"Alright I'm coming in" I told him before turning the knob and swinging the door open.

I did not expect what I saw before me, nor was I prepared.

(Start of TW)

Ethan was sitting on the couch, knees brought to his chest, face red and puffy- probably from crying. His eyes looked distant, like he was barely able to focus on one thing.

"Woah woah woah Ethan are you okay?" I asked in a concerned tone, walking quickly towards him and letting the door click shut.

His lips looked chapped and dry as he opened his mouth. I expected an answer but no words came out. He just buried his forehead against his knees, letting another whine slip out.

I immediately took action, kneeling beside him and rubbing his back in a calming matter. His breathing was shaky and he looked not quite totally there. I'm almost positive he was having a panic attack, which is never a good thing. Especially in this scenario, what with where we are in our relationship and- literally, where we are.

"Ethan, I um- I think your having a panic attack. But you're gonna be okay. I'm here and you are safe. Do you need me to do anything?"

I spoke in short and simple sentences, allowing him time to hear me and process it. I already knew the procedure, having done this countless times before. His head was still bowed, and I couldn't see his face, so it was incredibly hard to judge what needed to happen.

"Ethan, can you lift your head for me?" I asked in a calm down, sliding my hand onto his knee.

His head slowly emerged, eyes wet and puffy, tears rolling down his cheeks. He was a mess, and in no state to perform.

Perform. 

Fuck, I forgot all about the show.

But it was going to have to wait, Ethan needed my help.

Now.

I put a hand on his cheek, wiping some of the tears with my thumb. His cheeks were flushed red and very warm.

"Ethan, is there anything that you need me to do for you?" I asked, looking into his eyes.

He nodded frantically, and I was overjoyed to see this.

"What do you need?"

His mouth opened shakily, and he let a few breaths before finally speaking.

It took him a few moments before he could even get anything out but finally, he spoke up.

"Meds," he whimpered in a shaky voice.

Oh yeah, his anxiety meds. I knew he would take them practically everywhere he needed a bag, and they did come in handy, this being one of those situations. But it made sense, he had horribly anxiety, and panic or anxiety attacks were semi-common with him.

"Okay yes, your anxiety meds, where are they?" I asked him, still rubbing his back and wiping any new tears away.

He said nothing but pointed a finger to a bag in the corner of the room. I nodded and swiftly got up, searching through the bag for the bottle of pills.

I found them rather easily, checking how many to give to him, as well as filling a glass of water for him to drink out of.

Popping the cap open, I took two of the tablets out and placed the bottle back on the side table, turning back to face Ethan.

"Can you open up for me?" I coaxed in a soothing voice.

It took him a moment but he opened his mouth, not looking at me. He hadn't looked directly at me this whole time, which wasn't very good at all. I knew from lots of experience that this was one of the worse ones. They would usually last a bit longer, and it was harder to snap him out of it, but after it was over, he was back to his normal self again. I just hoped it would be okay.

I knew it would.

I mean he's Ethan, he is always okay.

Yeah.

I placed the two tablets on his tongue, telling him to close. He did so, thankfully.

"I'm gonna give you some water, think you can drink some for me?" I said, and he nodded.

I positioned the cup up to his mouth, tipping it back until the cool water flowed into his mouth. It kinda felt like giving water to a toddler but that's besides the point. He drank up the water rather quickly, swallowing the pills with it. I think he had gotten rather used to taking pills like this, so they went down easily the first try.

"Good job" I said simply, putting the rest of the water where the pills were.

Obviously the pills would take a while to actually start working, so now I had to find some way to calm him down.

I thought for a moment, thinking about what I usually do when he has panic attacks. I was captured back from my thoughts when Ethan whined again, a frown sporting his face.

He breathed a shaky breath in, gripping his knees tightly, as if it were his only way of staying in touch with reality.

"Hey hey Ethan I want you to breathe with me" I spoke, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

I waited for him to nod or something, but he seemed to not hear me. He seemed out of touch with reality, as if another dream dimension suddenly captured him away, taking his mind but not his body.

"Ethan" I said calmly, resting a hand on his chin and lightly bringing him to look at me, "Were gonna breathe together, is that okay?"

Thankfully he looked at me, eyes looking watery yet dry, all at the same time. He nodded, and I took some deep breathes, instructing him to do so as well.

His breaths weren't as deep or relaxing, more shallow and quickly paced. I got a little bit frustrated but I knew I had to keep calm, getting mad wouldn't help anything.

"Okay we're gonna do a ten count. Your gonna breathe in for ten, out for ten. Can you do that?" I instructed, still rubbing his back.

He nodded again, and I slowly counted up to ten and then back to zero. I could tell he was really trying his hardest, but he could barely get to four before breaking off into shallow quick breaths. It really broke my heart to see him in such a state, so vulnerable and weak. I thought about what would happen if I didn't find him, but quickly pushed it away. Not the time to think about that.

I could tell the panic was rising again, his head returned back to it's bowed position, forehead on his knees so I couldn't see his face. His arms wrapped around his bent legs like his life depended on it, knuckles turning white from the pressure.

"please..."

I barely heard it, he spoke in such a soft tone.

"what was that?" I asked, but not in a mocking way

He was silent for a few moments, but that was quickly broken.

"please please please!!" He pleaded, head shooting up to look at me. His eyes were wide and frantic, and he looked like he'd gone insane.

"Please what??"

His eyes widened more, and his nails dug into my arm. He gazed at me with pleading eyes. He opened his mouth but no words came out, just a sob.

He clenched his jaw, digging his nails further into my bicep, making me wince. He looked like he was going to burst into tears any moment now.

His mouth hung open in a silent scream, eyes frantically going everywhere around the room. I could have sworn he was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"Ethan!" I called to him, placing a firm hand on his shoulder.

His grip relaxed, but none of my efforts were helping him very much. I had never seen him like this, in such a state of panic and need. His chest was heaving with the effort to breathe, like his lungs were trying to suffocate him.

To be honest, I was beginning to panic a little too, my thoughts going to bad, horrible places. Places where I couldn't help him, and he suffocates from lack of oxygen. Places where he fainted from such a bad attack, having to spend weeks in the hospital. Places where he dies right here in my arms, and I just sat here, helpless as they carried him away from me. Tears began burning into my vision.

You have to keep a clear head. Ethan needs you right now, it's not the time for bad thoughts.

I reminded myself of this.

Shaking from my thoughts and blinking the tears back, I got on the ground, kneeling so I could see Ethan's face again. I gently unlatched his arms from around his knees, bringing him to a normal sitting position.

I dug a firm hand onto one of his knees, the other gripping his hand in mine.

"Ethan" I spoke in an authorized yet calm voice. I rubbed the back of his hand, trying to get him back.

He didn't respond, eyes still distant and wide. Although it wasn't the best idea, I dug my nails into his knee sharply.

Lucky for me, I think the pain brought him back, as his pupils beginning to shrink back to a more regular size, but not all the way yet.

"Ethan" I said again, gripping hard onto where our hands were latched together.

His gaze snapped to where I was kneeling, and I swore I could see the slightest bit of his lips quirking up. He looked almost relieved to see me, even though I had been there the whole time.

"mark.." he breathed, gripping my hand harder.

I nodded, giving him a little smile in assurance. I guess he must have been knocked somewhere else mentally due to panic, but he was back with me now, and that's all that mattered.

"Can we take some more deep breaths?" I asked calmly, getting up from my kneeled position and sitting next to him again.

He nodded quickly, squeezing my hand more.

I counted up to ten again, telling him to breathe deeply. I brushed my thumb over the back of his hand, counting back to zero as he breathed with me the best he could.

"Good job, were gonna do it again, okay? Think you can do that?"

He nodded again, and I could tell the panic was edging away.

I kept sitting there, taking deep breaths with him, even when I knew the panic went away. It felt nice, really. To just sit there with him, grasping his hand and taking long and deep breaths. We didn't make eye contact, but just sitting with him and not feeling any regret or arguments clouding my brain was a blessing, really.

(End of TW)

Suddenly I felt a buzzing in my back pocket, right where my phone sat. I fumbled around a little, trying to keep Ethan's hand held in mine while I still took it out. Once I had it in my hand, I saw that Amy was calling. I whipped it up to my ear, and heard her voice like honey on the other end.

"Mark! Where are you!" She blustered over the line, "We go on stage in four minutes- wait.. now three!"

"Did you find Ethan?? Is he ready to go? Because- fuck, you could be making out right now and be completely oblivious to what's going on! I knew there was something- I knew it! I called it!" She rambled, her tone accusing.

"Amy"

"Yes??"

"Calm down a bit, yeah? I'm with Ethan- it just took me a while to find him. We'll be there soon" I assured her, not even waiting for a response before I hung up on her.

It was silent for a few minutes before Ethan stood up suddenly, letting our hands slip from eachothers.

Damn.

"Fuck- I have to get ready to go on stage! God, I'm a mess! Need.. clothes!" He suddenly started, mostly talking to himself.

He sped to the closet, filing through multiple outfits in search of one that he could wear.

He can't be serious.

"woah woah woah Ethan, calm down" I said, springing up from my place on the couch and rushing over to him.

"Calm down?! I can't calm down, we have a show to preform and I'm not ready at all!!" He blurted out, turning back to the closet.

"Ethan, stop it."

He glanced at me, looking annoyed and panicked. He muttered something under his breath, speeding over to the mirror, looking at his complexion and making faces of disgust.

"Etha-"

"No Mark, I need to get ready. Like, now! Were supposed to be on stage and I'm sat here in a hoodie and jeans after just-"

"Ethan your in no position to go out on stage. You just had a fucking panic attack, and there would be no time at all to get you ready, not to mention how you need some time to fully calm down and get back to your normal self," I spoke with authority, now being right next to him, looking at him from the side.

He hunched his shoulders, huffing a breath.

"you're right" He sighed in defeat.

I gave a slight nod, taking him lightly by the shoulders and turning him towards me. He looked sad- almost disappointed.

"Stay in here okay? I don't want you going out on stage. And that's an order not a suggestion."

He giggled a bit, lips quirking up in a smile.

"okay mom" He joked, shouldering me in a friendly way.

I rolled my eyes, cracking a smile.

"Seriously though, stay in here. Once were done I'll come back, yeah?" I said, keeping a firm grip on his shoulder with one hand.

"What are you gonna say to the others- and the crowd?" He questioned, raising a brow.

Shit.

I didn't think of that.

I pondered for a moment. What could I use as an excuse?

"I'll just say you are sick or something- or you got food poisoning. No biggie" I shrugged.

He giggled again, finding something about it comical. Once he was done laughing, we made eye contact again. He looked happy. Maybe it was because I helped him, maybe because we had some alone time without arguing over something.

I felt myself slightly leaning towards him, but it felt completely out of control. As if some outside force was nudging me ever closer. I think he was leaning in too, but I couldn't be sure.

I felt his hand rest on the side of my neck. Yep, he was definitely going in too.

We got closer and closer until our lips were mere inches apart. The side of my nose was crushed up against his, my head being slightly tilted. My brain was screaming at me. Absolutely screaming and yelling and throwing a fit because seriously, what the fuck. But me being the person that I am, ignored all the logical things I could do in this situation and just did what my heart wanted.

It was just before our lips were about to touch that some common sense got knocked into my brain and I pulled away, out of his gentle grasp.

"I-I have to go.." I spluttered, turning around and exiting without another word to him.

...

WHAT THE FUCK.

There is no way that almost just happened. I can't believe I let myself do that.

My head must have taken control before my heart could do what it truly desired, which I think said a lot about what it was that I wanted. But I'm stubborn, so I easily shut those thoughts out with that damn steel wall. As a metaphor of course. Everything felt like a metaphor.

I shook myself from my thoughts and started speed walking down the hallways in purposeful strides, desperately trying to forget what had just happened. Well, what had almost just happened.

This was going to be an interesting show and an even more interest talk with him afterwards.

**

"Great job everyone, you did wonderfully out there! Especially you Mark, that improv was incredible!" Amy spouted out compliments as soon as we were all backstage safely.

I nodded a thank you, and I know I should verbally say something but I was so tired. I had to cover for Ethan's part too, which meant I was doing double the work, improv, and lines. And my god, it was tiring, but it just made it extra fun.

"Yeah, great job Mark, you covered for Ethan really well" Kathryn noted, her tone of voice warm but her eyes looked sly and untrusting.

I nodded, glancing in her direction but sporting a questioning glance, as if to ask "what's that look for??"

I furrowed my brow.

"Speaking of Ethan, I'm gonna go find him and make sure that he's okay!" I suddenly chirped, all my previous confusion leaving. And before anybody could make any comments or question where he was, I left.

I set at a brisk pace, looking behind me to make sure nobody was following me. If anybody could see me right now, they would probably think that I stabbed someone with the way I was constantly looking behind me and moving rather quickly.

I hid my face down, which made me look even more suspicious. But I really didn't care, my mind was on one thing and one thing only. I'll bet you can what that is.

Once I got to the door I knew that Ethan was in, I knocked, awaiting a response. I knew he would be in there, he wouldn't defy my orders, especially when I was so serious. Reminds me of when we were together, and I was mad at him for something. I would bind his hands behind his back and command him to do things that would normally be off limits. But he did it, because he's a kinky little fucker.

I remember one time where he had been flirting with me all day- especially when I was busy- so in turn I binded him to our bed with ropes so he physically couldn't. It really wasn't the best course of actions I could've taken but I was mad and he was horny. Of course, afterwards I made sure he was okay and gave him a very very special reward.

I shook myself from it quickly, this was not the time to reminisce about our past sex life.

I knocked again, and finally heard a little bit of shuffling from inside.

"G-give me a sec" I heard Ethan's voice, but he sounded a little distraught.

So I waited, and about half a minute later, he opened up the door for me to come in.

He had a black hoodie on, the hood resting on his head, some of his fluffy coffee colored hair poking out. His eyes were a little bit red and puffy, and I assumed that he had cried a bit. However, I didn't bring it up, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. Because crying was completely normal, and it simply wasn't necessary to obsess over the fact he had obviously shed a few tears.

He ushered me in and closed the door after. He didn't even say anything, just flopped down on the couch on his stomach, cheek pressing into the probably cold leather seat. He groaned, nails digging into the side of the cushion. I snorted, carefully sitting down in front of his thighs where there was still room to sit.

"Are you alright?" I asked him after a few more moments of silence from both of us.

...

"no not really"

He exhaled deeply, flipping himself over to stare at the ceiling. He looked like he was thinking deeply and he chewed on his lip, brows knitted.

"What's the matter?" I asked softly, head slightly tilted.

He just scoffed like I was crazy.

"Your really asking this right now?" He.. teased? Was he teasing? Or was I supposed to know? I don't know, but I felt really dumb right now.

I raised an eyebrow, looking at him confused.

He leaned his head up, balancing his upper body weight on his elbows. He puckered his lips, brows raised, kinda like he was trying to say 'get it now??'.

"I'm going to be totally honest right now, I have no idea what you are talking about" I said, letting an embarrassed little 'heh' slip out of my mouth afterwards. I really just felt outright stupid at this point, but I blame the show- it was tiring.

"Oh my god are you this much of a dumbass," He groaned, flopping back down on the couch to stare at the ceiling, "Before the show."

I thought for a moment and then it finally clicked.

"OHHHHHHHHH" I let out when I made the realization.

Ethan just snorted a laugh, closing his eyes peacefully.

"yeah" he sighed.

It was silence for a while, and I thought for a moment Ethan had drifted off to sleep. But a little shift of his body proved that theory wrong.

"So how was the show?" he asked suddenly, eyes still shut.

"It was actually really good! I-I mean obviously not as good as a normal show but I think we did pretty good for you being... absent," I sighed contently.

He gave a slight nod. I was still tense, the small talk not breaking the ice. And I was just waiting for him to bring up what happened before the show. Was he really just going to ignore it completely. From what I can see and note, Ethan probably stood there in shock for a few minutes, had a little breakdown, cried, and then make some snarky comments to himself about it, which is probably the reason for his strange attitude. Well, not strange, but kinda.. cocky.

I sat there awkwardly, mind racing and alert for any conversation he might bring up.

I was so far in my thoughts that when he actually started to speak I practically jumped out of my skin.

"Hey Mark?"

"yeah?"

...

"could we maybe... just kinda- ignore what happened? i-i know it sounds dumb but like- it would just be way too awkward and..."

He trailed off, biting his lower lip, brows furrowed.

"okay"

"really?"

"...sure"

Silence.

Well. That got us- literally- no where.

I got lost in my own thinking again, my mind travelling back to much simpler times, when we were in an established relationship, loving eachother without any fears of cheating.

I felt sudden arms wrap around me, and was a little bit surprised, almost wriggling from them, until I realized it was Ethan's arms.

Ethan.

Embracing me.

In a hug.

"I'm sorry, I really am"

His apology was slightly muffled by my shoulder, but I could still hear him plenty good. I gave him a little glance, and saw his cheek was smushed up against my shoulder blade, arms wrapped loosely around my torso.

"My actions don't have an excuse, no matter how much bullshit I spout out at you" He chuckled nervously, relaxing more into me, removing his arms so he was just resting his head on my shoulder.

I stayed silent, not really knowing what to say.

Suddenly he sat up. He interlocked his fingers, playing with them in an almost nervous way. He looked ashamed, and dismayed.

A sudden lightbulb clicked.

Of course he was acting like this, he probably thought I was still mad at him for what he did. And although he had no right to do that to me, I had gotten way past that stage. Dwelling on that would get us nowhere, especially since new feelings and emotions were constantly making their way through.

"A-and you don't have to forgive me, I-"

"Would you just shut up already" I huffed, pulling him back to me with both arms so that his head lay on my shoulder again.

"It's fine, it already happened and there's no need to dwell on something that happened way too long ago," I told him sternly, not able to take any more of his sad tone and hushed away voice.

I felt him start to relax more into me, while my fingers subconsciously started to comb through his smooth chocolate colored hair.

We sat there for awhile, not sure what to even say anymore. I don't know how long we sat there, but it must have been a while because I heard Ethan drift off to sleep, his quiet snores ringing in my ears like music. Either that or he's tired.

Do we talk about our feelings? Do we just leave it here? Do we tell our friends??

I didn't know the answers to any of these questions but what I did know is that I wanted to stay here, protecting over my sweet sleeping boy. I hadn't seen him this relaxed and close to me since before the breakup, when I got to hear this every single night. I sighed, hugging him into my side.

His small hands dangled there, resting on top of my leg with limp stillness. I got a good look at his face, his eyelashes resting atop his soft- slightly pink- cheeks, eyes closed and relaxed, mouth a neutral expression as he just slept. Specks of acne dotted his face, the biggest patches being on his lower cheekbones and around his scalp. Some people found it ugly, but I find it adds to his whole look- he kinda pulls it off if I'm being completely honest. I remember when I would do this. I would just lay there and admire him for long periods of time- sometimes hours on end- just taking in his features and beauty. Not much about his general physical appearance has changed. Other than more clear skin, another hair color besides the bright blue it used to be, and an overall older look to him.

He was my boy.

My boy.

I like calling him that, suits him very well. My eyes travel to his body, his relaxed collarbones, rounded off shoulders, slim waist, all the way to his covered toes. I couldn't see much of his body, most of it being covered in clothing. I know that he would feel insecure about his body. One day it was because he didn't have 'enough muscle', the next would be because he wasn't 'manly enough', and on rare occasion, it would be because he didn't have the thigh gap he wanted, or his belly was too big. It was quite ridiculous. If anything, he needed to put on more weight. He was thin, and underweight, what with going gymnastics for 10 years. And it's not like he can really control how his body works, but I would always try to get him to eat more, concerned about his eating habits (Although that probably didn't help him very much). But then he would giggle and tell me that he was eating plenty, and there was no need to worry. At first, I didn't believe him, but soon I saw he was doing his best with what he had. And that was all that I needed for reassurance. I trusted him enough to tell me if something was wrong, and I knew what signs to look out for (thank god). When he was super sad about his body type, I used to sit him down on the ground in front of a mirror with nothing but his boxers on, with his consent of course. I'd sit behind him and put my head on his shoulder, just running my hands up and down his body, looking into his eyes through the mirror. It wasn't in a sensual way, where I wanted something, but just so he realized how amazing and beautiful he truly is. And I would just sit with him, pecking little kisses to his cheek or shoulder, and occasionally drape my arms around his neck in a back-hug. It was truly wonderful for both of us. Sometimes YouTube comments would get him down about his body type. But it wasn't his fault, he didn't get to control how he looked. Whenever he was bummed out about them, I would scoop him up in my arms, slip a big hoodie on him and just hold him, kissing him everywhere and telling him how perfect he was to me, and that nobody else's opinion mattered. That would always end with us kissing, being broken apart by laughing and giggling about nothing in particular. We would just stare into eachother's eyes, mesmerized by how in love we were with eachother. Then Ethan would cuddle into my chest, a big blanket surrounding him while he talked to me about anything- literally anything. Whether it was computers, YouTube, something cool he saw the other day, or just a random fact, he always surprised me with new conversation topics. And I would just fond over his expressions and how he got distracted by the littlest things. I swear I could listen to him speak all day, even if I understood none of it. Just him talking was enough for me.

Wow...

I don't know particularly what I'm feeling.

I don't know what to say.

I don't even know whether we are still friends or just acquaintances at the moment.

But what I do know is that I will do everything in my power to protect Ethan Mark Nestor-Darling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the ending to this one, but I am open for criticism, so tell me what you think!!
> 
> (Part 3 of 4)


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